1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
