woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
