Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...