He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.