last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I looked at my own cervix.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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