i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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