Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
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My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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