There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
