Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
