I am puke
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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