Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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