It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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