Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I skipped work to stalk him.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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