i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
