I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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