Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
