I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
