I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
how drunk are you?
Several
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
