dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
