I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
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I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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