He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize