Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
