just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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