every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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