Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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