Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
