Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
