The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
