Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
