If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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