Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
