I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
