Just took my morning after pill in the library
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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