I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
