she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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