my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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