What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
