Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
