my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
