I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
