i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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