if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Jerry, you need to find god
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
