I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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