someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
