yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
