I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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