Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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