You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
