I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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