I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
