Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
