11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
50% drunk capacity currently
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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