the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
