listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
