why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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