I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
